Prime Time

Before I get started, I just want to make sure everyone is aware of the news sweeping America tonight:

Clay Aiken is gay.

I know, it's shocking. The Ellen Degeneres haircut really had me guessing. Now, on to the real scoop.

So we have a situation in our apartment that I've failed to reveal thus far, perhaps because I've been in denial - perhaps because I feel a deep sense of shame. But my heart is heavy with this dark secret, so here it goes...

We only have basic cable.

There, I said it. I'm talking basic to the extent that the "cable" part of it includes just CSPAN and TNT, with CNN only sometimes showing up. So I am very well briefed on politics (just ask me to pronounce Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's name) - but even beyond world affairs and the presidential election - I'm talking the politics of Manhattan's 12th district. And I'm all caught up on back episodes of "Charmed." But I haven't been seduced by VH1's brilliant adult programming or HGTV remodels in nearly 2 months. And poor Brad...ESPN is but a long-ago memory, only occasionally resuscitated via iPhone.

Our prime time tv-viewing has sunk to the depths of "Dancing with the Stars," a show I vowed never to watch, and whose title casts a VERY wide net - now I know why. Ted McGinley (yes - that Ted McGinley who played the neighbor on "Married with Children") is tripping himself across the stage as he impersonates someone impersonating the quick-step. He is oddly confident in his stiff, rhythmless movements, making bug eyes at the crowd. In contrast, Warren Sapp looks like Justin Timberlake. This is so awkward.

Meanwhile, celebrity chef Rocco DiSpirito has just been applauded for how vastly improved he is from last night. Funny, since I was just thinking it's a bit strange that he spent half of the routine sitting in a chair off-stage. Excellent strategy.

Who knew that an apartment would list cable as one of its ammenities given the availability of 10 channels (mind you, at least one of them is in a non-English language)? I'd be upset there's no flat-screen, except why on earth would I want to see Susan Lucci's horrendous botox in high definition??

OH MY GOD. Is this a cruel joke? Is Kim Kardashian really dancing the mambo to a karaoke version of "Baby Got Back?" And is she coyly pretending she doesn't know how to shake her booty? Girlfriend, you had a SEX TAPE. Shut up and move.

Not cool, vacationrentals.com. Not cool at all.