Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

There comes a time in the dating cycle when you have to meet the parents. For most people, this represents a big step worth preparing for. Maybe you wear something a little nicer than normal; if you're a guy, perhaps you shave; or some simply brush up on current events in anticipation of mature conversation.

Well, I want to know what the guy who dined next to us tonight with his girlfriend and her parents did for their first meeting.

Allow me to set the scene for you. We're at Gotham, one of Manhattan's best restaurants. This is an establishment where the servers are not content to simply brush the crumbs off your table with a butter knife before bringing out your entrees - oh, no. Any droplets from, say, foie gras jus that can't be brushed aside, are actually covered with an additional table cloth - to shield you from the shame of the mess you've made. Brilliant.

About an hour into our meal, a girl - maybe 21 - walks in with her parents. I'd guess they live in Gramercy Park, as they're too loose for Uptown, but too white and wealthy for anything much edgier. Mom looks like Talbots sponsors her closet; Dad looks like only repeated viewings of the movie American Beauty (and subsequent daydreams about being Kevin Spacey's character) keep him lucid enough to maintain his really boring job on Wall St. Their daughter is experimenting with a soft goth look. It's a little '90s, like when Drew Barrymore had overplucked her eyebrows and was wearing dark lipstick.

20 minutes later, in walks Shaggy - on a bad day. Shaggy has allowed the sides of his goatee to grow out long and pointy. And he looks like the type of guy who would have gone to Lilith Fair back in the day (if he were old enough), where he'd pretend to be really into women's lib so that he could pick up the chicks who weren't lesbians.

Shaggy is greeted by his actual name (which I shall henceforth refer to him as) , "Charlie," with a great deal of excitement from...Dad. Clearly, this is not their first meeting. But yet, I can't figure out why Dad can possibly be excited that this guy is dating his daughter. Then I consider my aforementioned inkling that Dad hearts Kevin Spacey in American Beauty. And it becomes clear - Dad is getting his weed from Charlie.

Upon closer examination, I realize that Charlie has brought a book with him to the restaurant. Ah, an intellect! I wonder what he's reading...so I lean in a little closer.

Oh...My...God.

You know how when you were younger, you learned to make your own book cover? Maybe you made it out of a paper bag. Really cool kids would rip the original covers off their text books completely for this purpose. Well, Charlie had fashioned his own book cover - only it features a naked woman sprawled out like the latest issue of "Dirty Girls Who'll Do Anything" magazine. It's sitting on the table - right next to the salted butter.

Now, just in case you're thinking that somehow, no one else at his table noticed the book...

After five minutes pass, Charlie gets up to go to the restroom. He takes his book with him. Yeah, I don't know either. As he leaves, Mom and Dad comment on this, chuckling. Like, "Oh, that Charlie - he just loves to read!" Shortly thereafter, Charlie returns with the book in hand, and again places it face up on the table.

W-T-F.

Dad is joking with Charlie, urging him to drink more wine...Mom is asleep with her eyes open...Girl just sits across from Charlie, occasionally saying something uninteresting.

Could it be that some parents are so desperate to marry off their daughters, they'll take anything that comes along? Are expectations really that low? Is the truth that the Girl could do no better?

We left before these questions could be answered. So I'm going to maintain good faith and wish Girl and Charlie a happy future together. Maybe love is blind after all...and illiterate.