Just Kidding

7:40 pm. Still no baby. Not even in "true labor."

It all began at 3:00 this morning. The nurse came to administer Cervidil (more on that truly unpleasant experience later), start my IV and draw my blood. I considered these to all be solid milestones in my general birthing experience. Hmph.

So let me tell you what I thought was going to happen. I thought that the Cervidil would be left in for about 8 hours and then I'd be started on Pitocin to induce labor. Because to be clear, Cervidil is not intended to start labor (though it can) - it's intended to "prepare" the cervix (read: ripen, open, shorten). Then I thought things would roll from there. As it turns out, I was right about the process - but wrong about the timing.

Remember the cervical exam I lamented? Yeah, so I've now had 4 of them, including the Cervidil administration. They likened Cervidil to a tampon: "It's just a little pouch with a long string attached." What they didn't consider in this little analogy of theirs is that Cervidil is inserted welllll beyond where a tampon is - without gel. And my doctor has short fingers. Ponder that.

Between the Cervidil episode and the Pitocin (which was started at 12:30 this afternoon), I enjoyed another milestone - an enema. I gotta tell ya, compared to everything else I've been through, this was a vacation. As it turns out, having warm, soapy water squirted up your bum and being asked to "hold it" for as long as you can before running to the bathroom is downright refreshing in the right context.

When the Pitocin was started at 12:30, I figured I was in for a wild ride. Perhaps if you define "wild ride" as sitting and standing in different positions for hours while not really feeling much of anything beyond mild-medium cramping...then yes. Otherwise, the day was anything but. The most wild few hours I experienced came while watching Stanford dismantle USC 55-21 (most points ever scored on USC in the program's history - and worst loss since 1966 - I'm just sayin'). You'd have thought some of my uproarious cheers during this game would have kicked me into strong labor - but no. I remain 1 cm dilated, which means nothing - a South Beach hooker is probably 1 cm dilated on any given day.

After having not really eaten or drunk anything for 24 hours aside from ice chips (save a tiny apple juice, small piece of chocolate, and orange shaved ice), and simultaneously not progressing in labor, it seemed reasonable to change the plan. So around 7:00 pm, they stopped the Pitocin so that I could eat and drink whatever I wanted. I have until midnight. So far, I've had 3 steak tacos, chips and guacamole, and am about to have a slice of key lime pie. Yes, I am going to need another enema. During this time, I was also allowed to shower, which felt fantastic.

Unfortunately, I now find myself on a labor and delivery bed, without much labor and no delivery. My feet hang off the end of the bed, and I lost the egg crate from my previous bed. What a perfect night to be uncomfortable. Sigh.

At midnight, they will restart the Pitocin, and assuming I don't go into sudden strong labor, revisit me around 7 am with another f***ing cervical exam to gauge my progress. If I don't go by tomorrow evening, we'll need to think about a C-section. Regardless, I need to have something happen by then, because otherwise, Dr. Snip-Snip from USC will come a callin' on Monday - and I'm going to guess he will not be in a good mood.

So...stay tuned for the continuing saga of my 2-day induction.