Molested

So this morning started pretty much like all the others. Beginning around 6:00 am, nurses and the such came in to administer antibiotics, draw blood, flush my hep-lock, check my vitals and change my fetal monitor paper. This kept me up for about an hour, because they'd come in, turn on the lights, turn off the lights, open the door, etc. So I was quite tired when I fell back asleep around 7, and slept in again until almost 10.

I am now on a great TV schedule. I catch the Today Show before 10, if I'm up. Then at 10, I check in on Dr. Oz. I follow that up with The View. Generally around this time, I'm due for my bath. This is when things got weird today.

Today's nurse assistant, Benny, is a perfectly nice woman. But she doesn't speak a lot of English (I am practically in Cuba, after all). She is a short, somewhat rotund woman with a bad dye job - you know that orange/blonde hair, typically gained from overuse of Sun-In? Uh huh, that. Anyway, I digress.

Benny was on bath duty today - or so she decided. She came in the room just as I was about to head to the bathroom, asking if I was ready to wash up. I said that I was, but just needed to go to the bathroom first (where I was also going to do my hair - mind you, "doing my hair" now means putting it in a high, somewhat disheveled ponytail in about 1 minute). Benny seemed confused by this.

She heads into the bathroom ahead of me and turns on the faucet. Okay, fine, she's heating up the water for my bath - understandable. I then go in, leave that water running, and proceed to sit on the toilet as traditionally happens when one goes to the restroom.

Yada yada, minding my own business, when there is a knock on the door - and then it's opening. "Um, yeah, hi, what?" Benny is now in the bathroom, door closed behind her, standing at the sink. "We will bathe you now." Um, okay, wow - can we maybe bathe me when I'm done peeing? Seems not. Benny makes her way over to me on the toilet (mind you, I am mid-pee and have toilet paper in my hand), and starts scrubbing away. WTF?!?!? Silently, I'm screaming, "Benny, get off of me! Off!" But no words come out. I am too stunned. She went to town, right then and there, armed with a wash cloth and medical soap. And when she's done, I'm left sitting on the toilet, a victimized lump of semi-cleanliness.

Benny didn't return after this episode. Brad saw her out at the nurses' desk, "innocently" going about her day, as though nothing had ever happened. But we know what she did. She knows what she did.

I will be looking over my shoulder tonight, and if Benny walks in, the lights are going on and I'm ringing the nurse call button. No more, Benny. No more.