Balloon Boy vs. Jon Gosselin - and More Crap on TV

There's not much of a medical update for me to share beyond what you already know if you've been reading my posts consistently (because what else do you have to do but read my blog?). So I'm going to take a break from nurse molestation and bowel movements to give you my point of view on the top stories in pop culture that I have learned about during my 10 days in the hospital:

1) Balloon Boy and His Family
Enough, already. Enough with the floating tin foil over Colorado and the insane man with the awkward wife. They're both obviously crazy, with their Wife Swap and storm chasing. And sweet Jesus, Asian women worldwide must get that same feeling when Mayumi Heene opens her mouth that I get when the news goes live into Oakland. Why must the media spend any amount of time on these people? At one point, nearly every TV channel had "live breaking news" on these fools. Perhaps I will ignite a hoax from this hospital so that I can really shake some things up around here. Although, wait - what I'm experiencing already feels like a hoax of some sort, only I'm not in on it.

2) Jon Gosselin
How is this stupid, ugly, fat, balding philanderer with 8 children rounding up more women? It's inconceivable. All the media attention in the world is not worth the embarrassment of being seen out in public with him - even for the most pathetic of star f***ers. One of the bad entertainment news shows I've fallen prey to watching lately actually had a debate about who made the worse father - Balloon Boy Dad or Jon Gosselin. Hmmm, let me see, how 'bout they both suck major ass?

3) LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian
Okay, so I think it's a real stretch to consider yourselves famous when you're starring in a Lifetime movie. I'm no country music fan, so maybe LeAnn is still a big deal on that scene and I just don't know it - but given that Lifetime movies generally star Meredith Baxter, Judith Light and Justine Bateman, it doesn't seem this channel is exactly the launching point of a hot career, but rather, marks the end of one. And who the hell is Eddie Cibrian? I had never heard of him until this scandal. Was this a ploy to resuscitate and/or advance their careers? Because an episode of Cheaters has more intrigue than this.

4) Bethenny Frankel
This Real Housewife is mad that the world knows she's only 2 months pregnant - so she had to make a formal statement to "quell the rumors." Um, did anyone tell her she starred in a reality TV series?

5) Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom
The not-that-famous sister and the not-that-famous Laker have a not-that-famous wedding. The best part is the pre-nup, which features courtside Laker tickets for the entire Kardashian clan. I'm surprised they don't already have those given the Kardashian girls' history.

Until tomorrow, when I sink my teeth into more stupidity, interspersed by episodes of Jeopardy! to renew my intelligence...