The Dentist

Why is it that when you go to the dentist, the hygienist insists on trying to engage you in active conversation that requires your frequent response? When you walk in, why does she start lofty discussions beyond, "Hello, how are you?" Instead, she wants to know your life goals, and your point of view on the birth of the universe. And then as soon as you begin to formulate your thoughtful answer, she shoves a hose in your mouth.

Then as you're choking on the hose and fighting death to force out a few words to complete your thought, the hygienist mutters incomprehensible nonsense through a surgical mask and waits for you to speak again. Your eyes squint as you try to understand her - and then drool pours out of the corner of your mouth as you try to respond in a way you think might answer her question.

But she doesn't notice the drool. And now it's streaming down your chin and neck, and into your shirt. When she finally notices what's happening, she reacts erratically, shoving a towel into your clothing to stop the damage. But her sudden movement knocks the hose out of your mouth, shooting a dreadful combination of water and saliva into your eye.

Hygienist: "Oh my God, I'm so sorry, are you okay?"
Me: "Mmmwwwwo!"
Hygienist: "(Laughing) Oh good, okay, not so bad."
Me: "Grrrrr."
Hygienist: "What's that?"
Me: (Silent anger)

After she's drenched you, she initiates the scraping of the teeth. It sounds like nails on a chalkboard and feels just about as pleasant. You want to hear anything other than the sound of this scraping, but guess what - she's concentrating now - really hard. And she's no longer speaking to you. So you don't even get the pleasure of listening to her mumble through her mask. The scraping is making your ears burn, and you're staring up at the ceiling, from which a TV/DVD combo player is hanging. On the wall, you notice a shelf with videos of all of your favorite shows. You briefly wonder why all of this is in here - and then you answer your own question when you see the headphones hanging on the other wall next to you. Ah, someone thought it would be nice for patients to be distracted from the discomfort of dentistry with real entertainment.

You look at your hygienist and look up at the TV - look back at the hygienist and again up at the TV. You suspect she's gotten the hint when she stops scraping. And then she lets out a sigh and resumes.

#$^#@$^#@!@#$%!!!!!

This Invisalign I was punked into getting better be worth it.