Road Trip Day 10 - Chicago, IL

Sometimes, bad things happen to good people - and beginning late last night, we were those good people.

We headed out with Moby for a final walk around 1 AM. I didn't expect to see anyone else out and about, but I was prepared in case we did bump into anyone. For example, I was fully clothed. Too bad the man who stumbled out 1 minute behind us was not. Alone and confused, this 50-year-old man pranced about in his wife beater - JUST his wife beater. Maybe he had on shoes. I'm not sure. It was a little hard to evaluate his foot apparel based on the fact that he wasn't wearing pants - or underpants. It was like a bad dream, which is all I can hope he was having when he marched outside in this manner. But it is worth noting there was some sort of business function going strong in the bar when we checked in, and his situation was more likely the result of too many fuzzy navels. The best part of it all is that he had the nerve to give US the stink eye! Yo, Harvey Keitel, YOU'RE the one not wearing any bottoms.

You can imagine this led to a sleepless night. So when we woke up knowing we were hitting the road for Chicago, we needed a good jumpstart. Perfect, there's a Starbucks across the street - and it's a drive-thru! Ah, God must have felt sorry for us when he stuck us with KFC instead of Popeye's last night - this is his apology. But hmmm, that's weird. The menu board is covered. It's also weird that no one seems to be inside. And extra weird is that there are chairs stacked on the tables. Hold on. You are not seriously telling me that at 11:00 in the morning on a Tuesday across the street from a business hotel with a conference in full schwing, the only coffee joint in town is closed...right? Really? REALLY, Fairmont, Minnesota? You thought why provide Starbucks when there is 5-cent coffee with plastic-wrapped-54%-fat-muffins right across the street at the BP gas station? I hate it here.

So after eating a burger and fries from Dairy Queen for breakfast (our first of two trips to Dairy Queen today), we put the shame of Fairmont behind us and excitedly pressed on towards Chicago. We passed monuments such as the Jolly Green Giant in Blue Earth, Minnesota - pictured above. Might I suggest our road games of "Countries A-Z" and "Athletes A-Z." We ended in a tie on the first game, but gave up on J in the second game after discovering just how many "Johns," "Jims" and "Joes" have played sports.

All was well and good until we slammed into Chicago area traffic - and Chicago area drivers. What is wrong with this city's infrastructure? Why did I pay 4 tolls on a highway that didn't cross over water? And why did the tolls range from 80 cents to $1.60? Finally, why are there no lines indicating lanes at the tolls where signs demand that you "stay in your lane?" And speaking of signs, here's a good one: "Don't be a loser. Don't drink and drive." I'm sorry, did a 12-year-old girl come up with that great slogan? Don't be a LOSER? I imagine that just barely beat out "Don't be lame" and "Don't be retarded," closely followed by "Don't be gay."

But despite all of this...Chicago (insert jazz hands) is fantastic. The Hotel Monaco, fast becoming one of my favorites, welcomed us with a nice upgrade to a suite. And we only had to cross the street to enjoy big food served by the world's friendliest waitress, surrounded by giant tv screens displaying the Olympics. And as you all know by now, I love the Olympics. Yay, Shawn Johnson! You are cuter than Mary Lou Retton in '84. And that is why I shall call you "Pie."

Assuming everyone keeps their pants on, it's going to be a great 2 days.