Fresh Squeezed O.J.

READER ADVISORY: My apologies for the below to any of my USC alum friends (yes, I admit it - I have some).

I actually used to want to go to school there.

On Saturday, Brad and I went to the Stanford vs. USC football game with our friends Ryan and Xin-Hua. For those who have been living under a collegiate sports rock, Stanford hasn't had a good football team since...well, I'd say really since the 1992-1993 team we fielded my freshman year. Sure, there was a Rose Bowl bid in 2000, but it was kind of a charity case. In any case, we're still not good. But we're closer to good than we've been in years, thanks to Jim Harbaugh and no thanks to Buddy Teevens and Walt Harris. And perhaps more important, we beat USC last year at the Colisseum, 24-23, snapping their 35-game win streak at home. Anyone who cares even a little bit about college sports knows that USC ranks right up there with the most hated teams everyone wants to see cry, along with Duke and Notre Dame. So we wouldn't dare miss even the most remote opportunity to see history repeat itself - which it totally did not, by the way - despite a nice F-You sequence at the end of the game.

Suffice it to say, Palo Alto's IQ dropped precipitously yesterday when all of the Trojan fans descended onto the Stanford campus. One particular Trojan tool sported a red polo shirt, whose popped collar (of course) revealed the word "FRAT." No, it did not indicate which brotherhood he was with. It would have been much like me wearing a tshirt that said, "WOMAN." Dumbass.

And then there were the middle-aged geniuses sitting in the row behind us who felt the need to call every play of the game, question every coaching move, and make every Captain Obvious statement possible. One gem: "They are only running the ball. They could pass as well." It is true that running and passing are the only two ways I know of for a football team to score, but I appreciate them reminding us all of that fact.

Finally, what the hell is wrong with USC's female fans? What is with the ho-tastic outfits, donned by those of all ages - including the 50-something in the plaid, thigh-high miniskirt? Was she an ex-Song Girl? Gross.

Oh well, at least we'll always have this guy. And they'll always have THAT guy.